For over one month I have been busy facing fears, re-tracing my steps, and recording my thoughts and feelings. Today the need to write about my transformation that led me to run off the beach and put it all down on paper.
It all has to do with a single date on the calendar which brings me happiness and hope. This portion of my journey I am sharing with you has little to do with grieving and is instead about resilience, resolve, and having faith in myself.
On August 1, 2015. Rob and I released our son Jake's ashes into a small harbor in a coastal town just south of Boston Massachusetts. We had to wait fourteen weeks for the blue moon to rise and the tides to be low enough so we could walk out into the water and be the last two people on earth touching our son's remains. From the moment we let him go, I felt relief. It was momentary, but fast forward to today and my life has changed dramatically.
For anyone who believes dreams are not possible , please keep reading because I came from darkness to light. We all must find that spark to begin believing in ourselves again. Once the spark is lit having faith in the universe is part of letting go and looking forward.Fear is what held me back. I can now write with certainty that running into fear is what brought me to where I am today. So here is my story of hope that will show you that dreams can be born from tragedy.
Today is August 1, 2017. I went from the corporate ferris wheel of a 9 to 5 job. I left behind the reality that I must wear a mask while working to now writing about my life with a group of souls here at Thinkmiracle who understand and support me--Those who know my life and want to help me share my words. The road that led me here was long and difficult but worth every tear I shed, every moment of self doubt, and every day when just taking a shower was a struggle.
The impetus of my transformation began the moment I found an unused notebook in Jake's bedroom and began to write. A newfound spark that led me from merely existing to living.
Rob and I sold the home we raised our son in and chose to move to the beach. The fact that our home sold in two days and the new owners wanted to make the deal move quickly only made the sadness of packing up twenty-six years of memories that much more painful, both physically and emotionally. Moving into a space that was much smaller than our current home made the letting go of what was once the center of our universe that much more difficult. I packed my life up with one eye on trying to retain every piece of my child's possessions. But I knew my future would remain stagnant if I did not make some drastic changes. To be honest, I sold my home not because I wanted to but because my inner voice was shouting at me to find new memories , new hopes , new friends and give myself a spot on the beach I dreamed about. During this time I constantly doubted myself but I just kept going.The noise in my head was " No risk, No reward."
I learned to live in an apartment building with new neighbors ,new noises and the solitude I relished of being on the beach and staring at the vastness of the ocean. I often told my friends and my therapist that anonymity was my friend. Looking back I realize I needed to run a little to find my place in the universe.
As the months went on I grew to love my surroundings, my location and the ability to be in nature. The risk of staying put was too great. I often remarked how letting go of my home was the best decision I made. I soon realized If I were to stay at my Job for another decade, I would look back with regret. I struggled with the decision to leave all the security of a steady paycheck, the structure of my day and the band-aid the job gave to my grieving. This inner struggle only released more anxiety because I knew I had to make the jump to save myself. So this year I left the job and that is when the band-aid was removed and I felt it all. The days of no structure and no organization were waves of wondering what my purpose in life really is all about. I even questioned my decision to leave the job-- how sad that corporate life can bend the human spirit. I just kept persisting at living in the uncomfortable part of my life. I reached out to people who were not walking in my shoes but have the capacity to empathize and be compassionate. During this time my mantra became" Personal Growth is Uncomfortable. "
I continued to write almost every day and then like a giant wave crashing over my soul, I let go and realized my life's work was right in front of me. It was in my words I have been writing in my journals these past few years and the belief that one day my story will be written. Soon enough, people wanted to read my writing. The universe must have been watching over me because a few weeks later Mark Elliot from Thinkmiracle contacted me.
I now wear no masks and work where I feel free. My colleague Claire helped me release energy that was waiting to leave my consciousness . Her work helped me connect with Jake in a manner I never could have imagined. Stay tuned on reading about that experience because it was magical !
So here I am from a grieving mother not knowing where her place in the world existed ,if at all, to a woman with a purpose and a job where I can share my story. Dreams can come true if we are willing to face the reality our lives, no matter how messy, while having the constitution to believe in ourselves. I do finally believe there is hope for me to have a little peace , a little happiness and a lot less struggle.